Compassion for the Self

My perspective of myself had changed lately. The other day I was driving to school filled with all my worries and saying to myself how much I hated my life right now. Suddenly a spoken line came into my mind from a song I had listened to a week before. It says, “So I was sitting at the bar and this guy came up to me and said ‘my life stinks’ and I saw his gold credit card and I saw the way that he was looking at people across the room and I looked at his face and you know…what a good looking face, and I just said ‘dude, your perspective on life sucks!’” (Blame it on the Girls---Mika). I realized that my perspective on life sucks. I had been dwelling in self pity instead of giving myself a break---Finals week can do that to you---I really do have so much to offer the world. I've come to realize I don’t need to lump negativity on myself. I’m beginning to allow myself to work out the issues that have been bothering me instead of letting them fester. But the biggest change I’ve made is simply not allowing me to think the phrase “I hate my life” or “my life sucks.” I don’t really mean them anyway, they just became a habit. This small difference has changed my outlook and actions. I’m beginning to tackle issues instead of worrying about them. I really am making a change in my perspective.

Laughter- The Best Medicine

I don’t know why, but I’ve always gotten great pleasure from chaotic or frustrating circumstances. For example, when I was a child and I had done something wrong, my mother would find me and explain what I did and how it had hurt others Instead of being scared, defiant, or sorrowful as most other children would, I would laugh. This may sound crazy, and I don’t know exactly what I was thinking at the time, but there was something about the situation that always made me laugh. Don’t for an instance assume that I didn't regret what I had done, or that I found pleasure in my disobedient actions. It just that, in that moment when my mom was frustrated and mad, and the chaos of the situation was overwhelming everyone and everything, I couldn't help but laugh. Instinctively I'd find anything in the moment to find funny and have a good time with it. My mom would get so frustrated when I did this. She'd yell at me, "Don't laugh when I'm trying to punish you!" which of course, made me laugh even harder. Obviously I have grown up since then, but I have still retained that ability in the face of chaos to laugh in order to cope with the situation.

Unconditional Love

I'm reading The Maytrees by Annie Dillard and she quotes a poem that really stuck out to me. As the character Lou looks into her son's eyes these words come to her mind. I thought they were very beautiful and poignant.


"...if I don't talk about your hair, your lips, your eyes,
still your face that I keep within my heart,
the sound of your voice that I keep within my mind,
the days of September rising in my dreams,
give shape and colour to my words, my sentences,
whatever theme I touch, whatever thought I utter."
-CP Cavafy, December, 1903


I just thought I'd share it with y'all. Hope you enjoy it. 

My Grandmother

I feel like writing in a fancy voice tonight. I don’t know why exactly, but I think it’s rather enjoyable and refreshing.

Tonight I had a really great time getting to know my Grandma Hofheins. She’s been sick of late and since I live beneath her I try to check in on her from time to time. This evening as I was going out I ran into her neighbor and best friend Nancy, who was leaving my grandma’s front porch. She was wearing a robe and slippers, her usual attire. Nancy had gone to visit with her and my grandma didn’t answer. There were lights on in the house and she thought maybe she’d fallen asleep and forgotten about the lights. I thought it’d be a good thing if my grandma had fallen asleep since she’d been sick. I reassured Nancy that I would check on my grandma when I got back and turn off the lights if she were sleeping.

When I got back about a half hour later I noticed the lights were still on. I went upstairs and found my grandma in the kitchen. She was surprised to see me and told me she had just recently woken up. This was at 10 pm. She had taken a nap at 3pm and slept the whole afternoon. She didn’t have her hearing aids in so she couldn’t hear Nancy at the door. I asked about her health and we began to have a very pleasant conversation. I really love talking to my grandma; she gets very lively and we laugh and talk about our lives and things. It’s really been fun to see and talk to her more since I moved down below her.

She had a little game of cards with questions on it on her counter. I asked her about it and she said it was given to her by my Aunt Debbie but my grandma had never played it. I thought it’d be fun to ask these “getting to know you” type questions to my grandma. Although I’ve known her my whole life I really don’t think I could answer many of those questions about her. I recently had a discussion in one of my classes about how you can know a person your whole life and think that you really know them, yet they can always surprise you.

Anyway, it was really fun to talk to my grandma and to hear her stories about the vacations they went on as a family, and how she met my grandpa. It turns out that the luckiest thing that ever happened to my grandma was catching her first glimpse of my grandpa hiding under a table in school. She couldn’t remember why he was hiding under the table, but she knew then that she wanted to meet him. As it turns out, it was my grandma who asked my grandpa to a girl’s choice dance as their first date. In fact, she said she had to ask him to three more dances before grandpa had asked her on a date. I thought that was just so cute, and it says a lot about the strength of my grandma.

I really enjoyed sharing with her some of my experiences too. We both took turns answering each question. She really became interested in what I had been learning about in school. I was able to share with her some of the things I’ve enjoyed, specifically in my Chaos and Compassion Literature class. I had recently read Holy the Firm by Annie Dillard. In it Annie Dillard talks about God and our relationship to him. It addresses the age old question of “why do bad things happen to good people” and how we can be sanctified by our trials and grief to find joy in life. She was interested so I got the book and read some passages and we talked about what it all meant. It was really amazing to get my grandma’s perspective on things.

One passage that we enjoyed says:

"Every day is a god, each day is a god, and holiness holds forth in time. I worship each god, I praise each day splintered down, splintered down and wrapped in time like a husk, a husk of many colors spreading, at dawn fast over the mountains split…I open my eyes. The god lifts from the water. His head fills the bay. He is Puget Sound, the Pacific; his breast rises from pastures; his fingers are firs; islands slide wet down his shoulders… Today’s god rises, his long eyes flecked in clouds. He flings his arms, spreading colors; he arches, cupping sky in his belly; he vaults, vaulting and spread, holding all and spread on me like skin."

Although this is about the sunrise and greeting a new day it reminded my grandma of the sunsets that she loves to see from her window; the rays of light shooting into the sky and reflecting off the mountains. It was really cool to hear my grandma talk about these things. Mostly it was nice to just sit and talk to her on equal level. I increased my love and admiration for her today. 

Squaw Peak

So the other day I got into a conversation with my sister about my social habits. She couldn’t understand that I rarely, if ever, prefer to be alone. I love being with people. That being said, I’ve realized that there are some things that are best done alone. Today, for instance, I decided to go on a drive up the canyon to the Squaw Peak overlook. Now, obviously people go there for other “activities,” but I just love the scenery. It’s so amazing up there and I went up rather spontaneously. 

After going to the peak I drove up to some campgrounds and along the way I got to see some of the most beautiful scenes. There’s something great about not being able to see the city and submersing yourself into the nature around you.

So here’s a little history about the peak: Squaw Peak is said to take its name from an incident following an 1850 battle between Mormon settlers and Ute Indians led by Big Elk. When the chief was slain, many in his band fled into Rock Canyon. Big Elk's wife died when she fell off a slippery cliff during the winter escape.

It was still sort of raining when I began the drive up, but I thought it’d make for some great color contrasts. The different colors of leaves really stuck out amidst the post rain midst. And as the sun came out and the rain stopped it made some great light effects.

What really surprised me was how the mist from the rain caused the clouds to swirl around and cover the mountains. It was magnificent. 

I even got to see some animals. I saw three wild turkeys. They ran across the path and I couldn’t get a picture in time. And I saw four deer. Two of them let me get really close as I drove past them. We were probably like ten feet away from each other. 

I ended the drive by going back to the lookout. It was amazing. The sun was poking through and shinning down on the city. There was no one else around and it was great to just lookout and think about my life and the beauty I was witness to. I really was a great moment. I hope everyone takes an opportunity like this to reacquaint themselves with nature. It’s a beautiful thing.

Rock Canyon

So I went on a walk up Rock Canyon after school and I brought my camera along with me. It was really beautiful since the colors of the leaves were beginning to turn. I took some great pictures and thought I'd share them with you.

I really loved the contrast between the greenery and then these vibrant burst of orange, red, and yellows. It was such a great day, the weather was perfect and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

As I was walking back down the trail I was amazed at how grand the view of the mountains, valleys, and Utah Lake. It really was a great day.

Perceptions

So I was writing a paper tonight about Nietzsche and the way that words are perceived and understood in the world. I use an example from my childhood. It's a little weird to understand but can raise a lot of interesting questions and points so I thought I'd share an excerpt from my paper with you. Let me know what you think and if it made sense. Here goes:

(Not my Photo)

As I was trying to understand this concept it reminded me of some ideas I had when I was probably fourteen years old. I was very interested in the way in which people see things- their sense of vision and how that is interpreted and expressed to each other. I had recently done a career research paper on ophthalmologists and read how they examined the eyes and performed eye surgeries. In my research I learned how one actually is able to see things, the image being translated in the eye and then sent as a visual electric stimulus to the brain. At one point I began to wonder if everyone saw the world exactly as I did. For example, say I am looking at the sky and I see the color “blue” as signified by its hue, saturation, and brightness, and a friend of mine is also looking at the sky and seeing what he calls “blue.” I wondered if I were to switch consciousness with him in some way so that I could see out his eyes yet translate the color with my own brain would I still identify that color as “blue” or would it suddenly appear to have a different hue, saturation, and brightness so that I would call it turquoise or even green. As a fourteen year old I came to terms with the fact that I would probably never know if my theory was true, but I never forgot how intriguing it was to try to understand another’s perceptions of reality. I think this is what Nietzsche is trying to express.

On Friendships

So I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately, how they’re defined, what they entail, and what you can get and receive out of them. It’s been really interesting to look back and see the many different types of relationships we have.

One of the most interesting things for me are these Facebook Friends that everyone has too many of. I mean, I am actually taking the time (just one simple click…but still) to say that ‘yes this person is my friend. I want them to be able to keep in touch with me and see what is going on in my life.’ The only problem is that these Facebook friends can range from my sisters and brothers to the person in one of my classes that I talk to every once in a while. There are no real electronic distinctions between the two. Honestly if I hardly know the person I’ll just contemplate if I get a positive feeling about them, and if so I accept their invite (I don’t normally add people I don’t really know). I have exactly 554 friends on Facebook but I probably only hang out with like 20 of them on a regular basis. And those ones I really don’t need to be Facebook friends with since I know what’s going on in their lives. It’s just interesting.

Now that I’m done with my Facebook rant there are other things I find intriguing about real friends. We all know that friends are extremely important to us. They make up a large part of our emotional lives. Yet different people seem to treat their friendships differently. For example, I love to share my friends. If I have someone that I love I want them to meet other people that I also love. I like them to get to know each other, and if there are differences between two friends I will share them with other friends instead. I love large groups of friends. But there are other people I know who seem to hoard their friendships. It’s not that I think this is bad; it’s just that I don’t understand this. People hoard their friends when they cannot mix friendships with others and groups. They have different groups that they hang out with and it’s not that they can’t have their friends mix, they just don’t think to do it, or would prefer not to mix friendships. This just frustrates me because I don’t understand why they wouldn’t want to share their friendships, and it can cause feelings of exclusion.

Anyway I don’t want to ruffle anyone’s feathers with this. It’s just something I noticed and have been thinking about lately.

Chaos and Compassion

So I'm in a class called Themes in Literature: Chaos and Compassion and I thought I'd share some thoughts on the subject.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the chasm where chaos and compassion meet; the mixing ground for the two opposing slopes. I feel like that is where change, growth, life happens. They’re linked, chaos and compassion. The chaos will either cause destruction or construction to us. And the compassion is what helps us to get through it, grow from it, and find joy in it. It’s when we are stagnant that we’re not embracing both sides of the spectrum, and that we aren’t really living.

This is what life is. This is how we deal, by allowing both forces into our lives. Otherwise we’re boring people. We’re not living, we’re just being. I think we are not meant to sit still, we are rising and falling and that is life. It’s taken me a while to relearn this and my chaos is not as great as others but I’m learning to embrace it and hold on for the ride.

Secret #30 The Grand Finale

So I understand that I never really finished my 30 Secrets project (until today) and I want to explain what my thoughts about that were. In a strange way it turned out to be accidentaly perfect. I'll admit that for the longest time I had severe writers block and couldn't think of any secrets I was willing to divulge to the masses. I mean we all have those secrets we'd prefer to keep private, and I feel I've unloaded myself with a few secrets that were hard to let go. Anyway back to the explaination, this last secret is simply that I still have many secrets in my life. I like that about me. Secret 30 represents all the things you might be able to squeeze out of me, or random things you might discover when I feel like it. I like to think of myself as a well rounded yet interesting person and I love that people can learn something new and random about me whenever they come in contact with me. I'm often reminded by other of some crazy thing that I did once and I love that. Who cares if I remember them they are for you just as they are for me.

So, If it's not too much trouble, I'd like to have anyone who knows me and who reads this page to please leave a comment about something that I did or said or taught them that perhaps made you laugh or think or impressed you. Think of this as you adding to my secret collection. It will now be our secrets that we share with others.

p.s. the picture is suppose to represent mystery and the many sides of me, even though I'm pulling the same face in every one.

Secret # 29 Office Supplies

So it has been a while and I feel really guilty about not posting these last two secrets, but it was pointed out that my posts were getting slightly depressing. This is most likely because I usually think of these things when I'm alone and bored, which is not the best state of mind to be in. So, with that in mind I've found a happy secret that I decided to share. I am in love with office supplies. I love to fiddle with them. Tape, post-its, and paper clips are my favorite. I love taking these very simple ordinary things and creating things out of them. Sometimes is as simple as making a paper crane from a post-it or a yellow electric tape mustache. On occasion I have made more complicated creations. I once made a collection of historic figure finger puppets out of office supplies. They're small things that give me tons of joy.

Now I only have one secret left!

Secret #28 Alone

One of my biggest and most frequent fears is that my life is empty and that I will end up alone and friendless. I'm sure many people experience this fear, but I always seem to think that I feel it more than others. This may be because I am a social person and there are days when I do not see anybody that I know. Those days suck for me. Now I do not want this to be a pity party, because in some way I know I'm sort of overreacting, but I have had days when I do not even get a call or text message from anyone. This does not mean that everyday is like this, it's just that I really hate those few lonely days when they occur. I do have this feeling, however, that I am not alone in feeling alone. If you share my feeling today or any day, just give me a call or text and I will see what I can do for you.

Secret #27 Joke Snob

So I've always enjoyed being a funny person (even if it is just me laughing at my jokes), and I'm pretty proud of my sense of humor; For instance, I find it the greatest compliment when I say something funny and people ask me where that joke was from. I just tell them it came from me. But, one of my biggest annoyances is when I've said something funny and someone repeats it, and then they are the ones who get the credit for my joke.

Secret #26 Shhh

I really shouldn't be posting this as a secret, but I've sort of run out of secrets to give. I have four more after this and I really don't know what they will be. You should know that when I started this project I only had about five secrets planned. I've done those five and more have come to me, but right now I cannot think of a single secret to write. Most likely this is just writers block. It's a challenge to think of 30 secrets about yourself with pictures to represent them, but I've tried. This isn't my first bit of secret writers block, so I'm not too worried about it. I always end up thinking of some secret later on. Plus I only have four more to go.

Secret #25 Podcasts

I listen to probably 2 hours of podcasts a day. I use them to stay informed about the world and what is going on in it. It's better than reading a newspaper. I use my ipod for podcasts more than for listening to music. Most of my listening occurs when I'm driving alone. I've learned a lot and I feel like a well rounded person because of it, and the best part is that they're all free from itunes. Some of my favorite pocasts are:
This American Life
NPR: Fresh Air
NPR: Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!
PRI: Selected Shorts
The Moth Podcast
New Yorker: Fiction

Secret #24 May

May is my unlucky month. It seems that every year in May I have a lot of problems: either something bad happens, or what I have planned that month falls through. I specifically noticed this trend when I bought my first car. I bought it in May and it didn't make it out of that month before I had a $750 repair I had to make. Now every year I have to take my car in for registration, and every year there is something that needs to be fixed, and every year I have to struggle with the money to pay the repairs. It's not just the car has problems. My plans seems to often fall through in May. I don't know what it is about this month in particular, but I do know that I have already started to see the bad luck of May. I just hope I can make it to June. Everything is much better in June.

Secret #23 Dr Pepper

Hey, sorry it's been a while. I was stressed with finals, then after finals I just didn't want to write anything anymore (since I wrote like 50 pages of stuff for school in the last two weeks), but I'm back now.

Dr Pepper is the only soda pop that I truly enjoy drinking. (I may be addicted) I've gone through spurts where I've enjoyed other soda's (Welch's Grape, Sunkist, and Ruby Red Squirt), but I always come back to my Dr Pepper. The amazing thing about Dr P is that it has no taste...that's right; you heard me. Instead, it has a delicious after taste. When you drink it, see if you taste the soda. then, wait just a second afterwards and opp...there it is, cool smooth deliciousness. That's what makes Dr P so great. My brother is trying to get me to drink Diet Dr Pepper, but I feel like the diet and the Dr P aftertastes would compete with each other and I just don't want that. So, I stick to what I love, the original Dr P.

Secret #22 Bookstore

Every time I go to Barnes and Noble I take a deep breath and inhale that lovely new book smell and say, "Oh, if I could live in a bookstore my whole life, I would." and I mean it. I love going to the bookstore. Usually I do one of two things. Either I will find a book or two really quick and grab a chair and read for a bit (these are usually short books or graphic novels or humor books), or I will spend time browsing through all the books and taking pictures with my camera phone of the ones I'm considering buying. The pictures allow me to think about the books for a few days and if I still want it I will buy it or add it to my amazon wish list. Anyway, I usually end up spending 2 to 3 hours and no money in the store. I just love the smell, feel, and experience of brand new books. Libraries just cannot compete for me.

p.s. the books in the pictures are all books that I would love to have.

Secret #21 Head Gear

I hate wearing hats! (let alone bandannas) I hate how they ruin your hair, how they make your head so hot, and how bad they look on me. I've just never loved having something on my head. I only wear them to protect my head from sunburns. (I often forget to even wear it for those) Now, people tell me that I look okay with a hat, but I cannot stand to put them on... Oh and I forgot that when I wear my Tilly hat I look even more like my dad. In fact, one time I was going to a family picnic and some of my nieces and nephews came running for me saying, "look! It's Grandpa! Grandpa's here." It sort of freaked me out.

Secret #20 My Dad

My Father intrigues me so much. I wish I could observe him in his natural setting without having to engage him. I'd be like that women who studied gorillas (I forgot her name), just weirder. Now, do not get me wrong, I think he is one of the greatest men that I know, but he is also one of the most peculiar. He has so many quirks. For instance, he rarely wears shoes. Usually he walks around in socks and sandals. And unlike me, he is a natural introvert and can spend a lot of time by himself and not mind. He sometimes does the strangest things though....oh the stories I could tell. He is so weird, but I love him anyway.

p.s. I'm going on a vacation for the weekend. I'll be back soon.

Secret #19 Wipers

I cannot stand the sound that windshield wipers make when the windshield is not wet. It is my biggest personal pet peeve when driving. I would rather wait till the windshield is wet enough and then wipe manually than depend on my automated wipers to do the job for me. It is one of the top three worst sounds in the world. It's up there with scratching chalkboards and rubbing Styrofoam together. Ugh! Just thinking about those sounds gives me the chills.

Secret #18 Secret Secrets

"Secret secrets are no fun...Secret secrets hurt someone"

So I've been hesitant to put this out there, but I feel I need to confess that I am extremely bugged that hardly anyone comments on my blog. I understand that it's easy to just read the blog and think about it and go on with your life, but I feel left out when you do that. I'm not only bothered by the lack of comments, but I'm developing this paranoia about whether people are even reading the blog or not. I feel like I have to instigate talk about my blog, even with people I know who've read it. Now, I want to thank those who have commented and those I've talked to. I appreciate you. I guess I was hoping this would be more of a conversation piece than it turned out to be. Anyway, I feel a little awkward having now posted this....but I guess I am that vain.

Secret #17 Fire

For those of you who don't know, my family loves to have a huge bonfire every year during burn season in our city. We collect abandoned Christmas trees after the holidays and then burn them in the spring. I love to stare into that gigantic fire, it's mesmerizing. And when these trees go up in a burst of flames it is wild. I can see why in olden time people thought that fire was a god. It can seem alive as it chooses it's path to burn and consumes everything it touches. It's performing a dance of destruction. I feel like the whole of the universe is put into perspective as you stare into a fire. Nothing else matters, everything disappears, and I loose myself as the fire dances.

Secret #16 Tears

I cried today in class... I'd rather not get into details about why I was crying or anything like that (you could try asking me personally if you really must know). The point is, it is extremely rare for me to shed a tear at all, but especially in front of other people. Now some of you readers might think that I'm heartless since I don't cry, but I just don't. I just handle sadness differently. I've always been this way.